the falcon cannot hear the falconer
by incandescens
Summary: Hinamori: things fall apart, the centre cannot hold.


**the falcon cannot hear the falconer**

I want to say that it is all my fault. Aizen-taichou isn't to blame.

I didn't mean to hurt anyone. When I broke out of the jail, I just wanted to find out what was going on. He's my Captain. Even Matsumoto-fukutaichou said that having his last words be to me was one of the best things that a vice-captain could hope for. I'm so grateful to her and Toushirou-kun for giving them to me.

Yes, I know that Aizen-taichou isn't really dead, but if he had been, then they would have been his last words, and they'd have been to me.

Aizen-taichou has always been so understanding. There was that time when I -- oh, it makes me blush just thinking about it. I really misunderstood. I thought that he was suggesting something, and when I -- when I said -- then he made it clear that it wasn't what he'd meant and that I'd got it wrong all along, and I was so ashamed, but he was kind and he didn't make me feel guilty or embarrassed or anything, but he put his hand against my cheek and looked in my eyes and said, "Hinamori-kun, I know I can trust you to understand me."

See? I told you it was my fault.

I'm so sorry about Toushirou-kun. I didn't mean to fight him like that. I was just . . . so confused. I did think because of that lying letter that he'd done something, but even then I couldn't make myself really fight him properly. I know Aizen-taichou always respected him. He always used to talk to me about Toshirou-kun and say how fast he was coming on, and how well he was doing for his age, and how proud I must be of him. And I was, I am, I always will be.

I wish Toushirou-kun had managed to kill Ichimaru Gin. It's all his fault.

Aizen-taichou didn't kill me, you know. He just had to pretend that he had, because Ichimaru Gin was watching. Ichimaru Gin did something to Aizen-taichou. Aizen-taichou would never do the things that they say he did. He didn't kill Toushirou-kun, either, did he? He could have if he'd wanted to, but he didn't. And he didn't attack Unohana-taichou or Kotetsu-fukutaichou, he just left. I think that proves it, doesn't it? It's all because he's doing something else. And it's Ichimaru Gin's fault.

Aizen-taichou is a good man. He doesn't understand evil people like Ichimaru Gin. He doesn't understand bad things at all. Sometimes -- sometimes I'd think -- and he'd put his hand on my shoulder and I'd feel the warmth of his body through my clothing and he'd look down at me so gently, and I'd blush because of the things that I was thinking, but he was too kind to understand. It was my fault. He wasn't like that. He isn't like that.

I would like to go outside, you know. I'm a lot better now. I'm very grateful for Yamamoto-soutaichou for letting me talk to Toushirou-kun the other day, and I'm sorry that I collapsed like that, I must have been more tired than I realised. But I'm feeling absolutely fine now. I hear Tobiume all the time. She keeps on telling me _hurry, hurry, hurry_.

Of course I'm not going to do anything stupid.

It's all Ichimaru Gin's fault. Someone needs to save Aizen-taichou but nobody believes in him any more. I want to be with him to help him. I remember how he'd always be there, like a tree sheltering me, like a star watching over me. I remember the feeling of his robe over my shoulders, the cedarwood smell of it. I remember him and it hurts so badly and I can't leave him, I can't just let it go, do you understand? I can't betray him! Hisagi and Kira can be traitors if they want, but I won't! I know he's there, I know he's watching, I can feel him at night and it makes me so lonely . . . I go through his papers and I see his calligraphy and I can feel his hands on mine, helping me form the brush strokes, and I don't know, I don't know why my body _hurts_ like this . . .

It's all my fault. I led him on, I betrayed him, I wasn't strong enough. If I'd been better, if I'd done better, then he wouldn't have gone.

I need him.

Please.

--


End file.
